I Don't Know

“I don’t know.” I’m in a season where I say these words out loud to the Father at least 20 times a day. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to address this. I don’t know what this means and how to apply it. I don’t know what decision to make. I don’t know what to make of this world. I don’t know what I don’t know. I simply don’t know.

I believe it was the kindness of the Lord to give me a mirror of myself in my child. He often stands in the presence of someone and voices the thing he most wants and needs with the expectation of someone providing it to him. The only problem is that his need and want often sound as a covetous complaint. Like the time he stood in his dad’s face who was eating an apple and said to the air hoping his dad would hear it, “I wish I could have an apple.” Or the time he was running around on the playground then bent over in front of his teacher and said, “Whew, I’m so hot and tired, I wish I could have some water.” In this pint-sized person the Lord was showing me Me and giving me the answer to all of my “I don’t knows.” It’s the same antidote I’ve been seeking to give my child he’s just as reluctant to take as I am: Ask. Simply ask.

There are many places in Yahweh’s Word where He instructs us to ask, tells us how to ask, and tells us why we should ask.

In James 4:2 He tells us that we do not have because we do not ask. In Matthew 7:7 He tells us to ask and it will be given to us. If we lack wisdom and need counsel, in Proverbs 15:22 and James 1:5, He beckons us to ask for it. If we are overwhelmed with emotion and are in need of help, in Psalm 18:6, 34:4, and 118:5, He instructs us to call upon, inquire of, and seek Him and He will answer and deliver us. If we have physical needs, He provides the example in Luke 11 that the need can be met with asking. And when we don’t know what to do when life is treading upon us, He shows us the response of Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20 who sets his face to seek the Lord.

The one thing my son got right is that he aired his complaint in front of someone who could actually meet his need. But how he went about it created a stagnation in the provision holder to respond. The condition of our soul matters to the Lord. Often it determines if and when He will answer us. We’re confronted right after being told in James 4 that we don’t have because we don’t ask, with the revelation that we also don’t receive because we don’t ask with right motives. James tells us that what we want, we desire for selfish gain. Something is living in us that the Lord needs to die. Pride, idolatry, self-reliance, greed, jealousy, stubbornness, laziness. Our sins are many. And often the Lord desires to deal with our heart condition before He gives. We see the example of Jehoshaphat was to seek the Lord’s face and fast. We see many of the psalmists coming to an end of themselves in all humility seeking the only One who could meet their need. First John 3:22 tells us that our asking that has expectation should be coupled with our obedience to His commands. And in multiple places, the Lord shows us that we must ask and seek and keep asking and keep seeking.

One of our challenges is that we want too easily. And so why the Lord asks us to ask and seek is for our own good and for the good of our relationship with Him.

In the book, The Ministry of Intercession, Andrew Murray states, “Just imagine what the result would be if the child of God had only to kneel down and ask, and get, and go away. What unspeakable loss to the spiritual life would ensue. It is in the difficulty and delay that calls for persevering prayer, that the true blessing and blessedness of the heavenly life will be found. We there learn how little we delight in fellowship with God, and how little we have of living faith in Him. We discover how earthly and unspiritual our heart still is, how little we have of God’s Holy Spirit. We there are brought to know our own weakness and unworthiness, and to yield to God’s Spirit to pray in us, to take our place in Christ Jesus, and abide in Him as our only plea with the Father. There our one will and strength and goodness are crucified. There we rise in Christ to newness of life, with our whole will dependent on God and set upon His glory. Do let us begin to praise God for the need and the difficulty of importunate prayer, as one of His choicest means of grace.”

Not only does the Father want to remake us in our asking, He wants to reform what demands our attention. “We must! We must!” This is what our people, planners, jobs, organizations, education, and activities demand of us. They shout, “You must attend to me!” But what of the Lord? When will our souls demand, we must, we must be with Him? This need for answers, for things we must have, puts a demand on our need to be in His presence to ask Him. And there, in His presence is the fullness of provision our souls need.

What do you desire from the Father? Why do you want or need it?

What do you believe your part is in getting this question answered or need met?

What priority are you making His presence in this season?

I’ll go first. Right now, I want answers. But answers to questions I believe the Lord is pricking my heart with – about His Word, about His worship, and how I pursue Him and them in Spirit and in Truth. I want there to be a roadmap with all the answers to all the questions plainly laid out in Reader’s Digest form for me – today. But I can see how the Lord is drawing me to be more intentional about my presence with Him and His Word. He’s asking me to persist in seeking and studying, rather than becoming slothful in my search for how to honor Him. So, it’s taking time, intentionality, and patience on my part because this isn’t a season where I have hours upon hours of uninterrupted space. It’s taking me being curious rather than afraid of what I might find. And it’s taking a growing love that makes me want to seek, love, and honor Him more.