What about the Boys?
- Whitney Nicole
- May 20, 2023
- 7 min read
Updated: Jun 20, 2023
May 21, 2018. That’s the day I discovered I was a mom. I didn’t yet know whether my womb was carrying a little boy or girl. What I did know is that with all my being I wanted to love and protect him or her.
Bringing a child into the world requires bravery. Because terror and evil lie in wait and wont for their bodies and souls. There is greater alarm when we discover we are growing girls. They are seen as more vulnerable and fragile. And by sheer numbers, there is truth that our girls are more likely to experience violence and abuse of every kind. I think because of that, we often forget that our boys have and are experiencing it too.
One in six. That is the number of boys who will experience sexual abuse before their 18th birthday. We have rarely heard their voices, so we have never known the extent and depth of their pain. Though my inner being has been rocked, I’m grateful for more and more opportunities to now hear.
Within the past year, men have been rising from the dust and shadows to say, me too. I’m thankful because their act of vulnerability sheds light on darkness and fuels passion in my purpose. If no one has ever told you, thank you for being brave. Even if you’ve never shared your story with the world or even one. But for continuing to breathe and go; when from the first moment it happened to you to the countless times after, you were shattered and wanted to lie down and die but didn’t.
The day I’m penning this blog, I listened. Boys is a documentary that uncovers the trauma and resiliency of men who were trafficked in childhood. Their stories grieved me as they shared the horror of being groomed, raped, and sold by friends, family, even mom and dad. Trafficking most often thrives off vulnerability. A vulnerability that was seen and then exploited. One of the men featured in the documentary was a part of our group discussion and shared the following:
“The vulnerability is not a gender vulnerability; it’s a human one. There is a need to be loved, respected, desired, wanted, cared about, and safe. Where the derision in gender comes is post-trauma. How we relate to our trauma. I relate to my trauma in a masculine way. I had to learn that my identity as a man was not compromised because of what happened to me. I’m still a man, a strong protector. I want to keep the women in my life safe. That’s a very masculine need.”
I’m stationed in a sphere that fights for the rescue and recovery of victims who have been trafficked. And it’s true there are little resources for boys and men. And there are even fewer identified persons to measure just how great is the lack. But we can begin to change that by noticing, by caring.
I remember a man once asked me what about the boys as I described the work I was doing. In the moment, I pointed to the statistic of girls and women far outnumbering their counterparts in victimization. But what I had actually done is dismiss the real need and pain of the boy and man. Our male survivor told us, “If you don’t believe boys are being trafficked, you won’t believe it even when it’s sitting right in front of you. We hide well.”
It hit me not long after that conversation with that man that he had hidden well. I realized that he was not only asking what about the boys, but he was asking what about me? Do you see me? Does my pain and brokenness matter to you? And do you have any energy, let alone thought, to help me heal too?
I do. I see you.
Boys. Not just a collective category. But a face. A name. A person. I see you, and I’m going to fight for you too.
Will you join me?
Listen and Believe
I think one of the first things we can do is listen and believe. And we must learn to listen not only with our ears but with our eyes and hearts too. A person’s trauma does not excuse their behavior, but it can explain it. Some of the acting out we see in men is shame and pain masking itself in sexual indulgence, power, and control. And these are cries that need help. Check out these videos where men surrender secrets they carried for years.
In the Boys documentary they stated that is can often take twenty years for a man to disclose sexual abuse, and it often takes decades before they will talk about it.
Reveal and Relate
Our male facilitator and survivor stated that often boys and men are afraid to say that this has happened to them because it makes it real. And if it’s real, they wonder, what does it say about me? He said that if he didn’t make it real, he was never going to be able to confront it and take the impact of it out of his life. So, he did. And I invite you to do the same. I know that this step may be horrifying for you, but it is a necessary one. And I hope you at least now know you’re not alone.
The painful reality is that not everyone can hold your story, nor can they acknowledge it. In our discussion we talked about how trafficking in families is often not an isolated incident but something that happens generationally. And many times, families will shy away from acknowledging the truth because they will have to confront their own shame and guilt for perhaps thinking or knowing something but not acting in the defense of the person being wounded. But you will have a tribe and there are therapeutic avenues to seek help. And if you are a tribe member, you can remember that trauma has no face. You don’t know the wounds people are covering and carrying. So be safe. Be consistent. Be sensitive. Be trustworthy.
Protect and Pray
When I first got hired in a different position at my current job, my world was being shaken with conundrum again as I exclaimed to the Lord that I was working in a safe home and yet did not feel my own son was safe. He had been displaying signs of a child that had been abused. As someone who’s served as a guardian ad litem for youth and worked in a group home for neglected and abused children, I had been educated on what abuse looks like and I knew a few people to call to ask for guidance.
And when I did all I knew to do, I threw myself before the throne and asked my Dad to do all I could not. I had to remind myself that He loves my son more than I do. And I had to beg for His grace, wisdom, and strength as I asked Him to calm another heavy storm and wind. Since that time, I’ve had other encounters where I was concerned for the safety and wellbeing of my son. I realized it was my responsibility to prepare and protect him as far as it depended upon me. From as young as two, I’ve been educating my son about his body and boundaries and guarding his gates (eyes, ears, feet). I’ve written about this in previous blogs you can check out.
I know that one of the reasons God birthed JoshuaNation was to be a prayer arm for the vulnerable, exploited, and broken. And He has often used the terror in my own son’s life to awaken me to the reality of his other children experiencing the same and more dire situations. I need to pray. I must pray. I believe prayer is powerful and effective. God promises to hear, and He is often waiting upon His people that He might intervene on our behalf. God showed me this very thing at a precise moment.
One of the places at which God led me to pray is called Lo Block. It’s an area by hotels where the trafficking and exploitation of people likely happen behind doors on a daily basis. When I go, I circle the parking lot of one of the motels and I pray. On one occasion there was an older woman outside on the bottom level and she called out to a young man on the second: “How you doing nephew, holding down the camp?” As I continued to walk and pray, I eventually turned to the Word and came across this passage: “May their camp be desolate; may none dwell in their tents. For the Lord hears the needy and does not despise His who are prisoners” (Psalm 69:25, 33 NASB1995).
How many camps remain full of prisoners? Camps that look like hotel rooms, backseats, bathrooms, alleys, churches, examination rooms, even picture-perfect family homes. God wants the prisoner free, and He wants to use us to help free them. Are you in?
I want to leave every survivor with this encouragement that was shared at the end of the Boys documentary:
You’re not alone.
It is not your fault.
It is possible to heal.
And it’s never too late.
I believe the Boys documentary will be very eye-opening and insightful, so I recommend it. I do so with a warning that it may be triggering and emotionally unsettling for some viewers, particularly if you have experienced abuse or have an intimate relationship with someone who has experienced abuse. I encourage you to reach out to a trusted companion to be with you and to prepare for follow-up support to help you process what you’ve seen and heard (i.e., trauma-informed therapist, support group).
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