What I Want Men to Teach My Son about Women

I’ve wanted to write about this for some time now, and I’m finally getting around to it. At first, I had a slightly different title; yet the change would be significant. It was the inclusion of the word men. As a woman and now mom, I often think about the kind of man I desire my son to become. I desperately want to groom him into a man with a heart after God and one with great integrity. And I certainly want to raise him to be one who accurately views the beautiful creation God made out of man – woman.

I have been a woman wounded in countless ways and countless times by the ones I longed to call brother, friend, and lover. And they have been bruised by me. Our inflicting of pain upon each other has produced much brokenness, evidenced across relationships, marriages, and families. It is this brokenness that permeates outwardly to the communities and countries in which we live. But I believe a different world is possible, even if only by a handful of committed warriors set on change.

Some women don’t like to hear these words, but we cannot be men nor can we replace them. If they were not needful, God would not have created them, crafted us from them, and caused their seed to be the progenitors of new life. And as much as moms of little boys hate to see it happen, they will one day elude our hugs and kisses and run to fields with their friends. It is within those circles, among the others we intentionally lead them to, that they will discover much about manhood and determine the kind of men they want to be.

This is why I am crying out to men to be examples to which I can point my son. I have a couple of books on my shelf I haven’t cracked open yet, but as soon as I do a word about what I want men to teach my son about manhood is to come. Today, I speak from my experiences with men and invite my fathers and brothers to be something I cannot - my son’s reflection. He will look at you and gain wisdom or folly. He will discover what has value and what does not by where your treasure lies. And he will treat people – women as you do. This all because he looks like you and desires to fit in and be approved among you.

In light of this reality, I have three things I charge you with teaching my son about women:

1) Women are image-bearers.

2) Women are sisters.

3) Women are cultivatable.

Women are image-bearers.

We can bear the image of many things, but the one thing every created being has in common is that we are all made in the image of God. God, whose eternal being, majesty, power, and excellence through and through set Him apart to be worshiped, honored, and rightly approached. God, who does not demand our admiration and reverence but who is forever worthy of it. This God is whose image we, man and woman, have been made in. And because we have His likeness, He seriously takes how we treat one another. Contemplate the psalmist’s words:

“When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than angels and crowned them with glory and honor” (Psalm 8:3-5).

God has made everything magnificent and beautiful and wonderful you can imagine. And many of you don’t have to imagine because you stood on the mountain, took the picture, and brought back the souvenir from your travels across this vast planet we call earth. God created that too. He gave much attention and thought to the intricacies of artifacts, and you were one of them. Woman was one of them. So, if God is mindful of us, if He cares for us, and if He bestows us with glory and honor, how ought we treat one another? How ought we be mindful of and care for the other?

For the sake of time and space I will point you to one of the best and perhaps only straight-forward teachings I received about the image of God. Understanding and grasping this truth will drastically change the way you view people. And when you see people, women differently, when you see them as image bearers, you will demonstrate love and concern not only for their well-being, but their flourishing in the image God made them. Your example in this matter will be my son’s.

Women are sisters.

My childhood best friend was a guy. I learned a lot about boys from him and my other brothers for whom I was the only girl in the gang. I was able to peer into their thought processes and see how they both viewed and treated girls. They were different with me. Now they picked on me, and we were all the pun of each other’s jokes. But I knew I was valued. I knew I was accepted. And I knew I was protected among them.

I recently came across this verse, and it struck me because my best friend called me Wisdom throughout our friendship: “Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,” and to insight, “You are my relative” (Proverbs 7:4).

The reality is that all people do not cherish wisdom. Yet all throughout Scripture, we’re admonished to treasure it more than silver and gold and hold fast to it that our lives may be preserved. I find it interesting the Solomon, the wisest man to ever live, likened wisdom to a sister. And much of his writings beckoning us to harken to wisdom’s voice has much to do with how we relate to and treat others.

I remember saying to a guy who had admitted going to a strip club would he be okay if the women in that club had been his mom or sister. He told me no. Ponder for a moment why a man would have no desire for one of his relatives to be found in such a place. Too often, our world has diminished women to mere objects and toys for men's pleasure and enjoyment. And they are treated in kind. Picked up, used, and tossed aside on demand. I want my son to see every woman as a sister. Someone he values, protects, and does not dishonor with his words, actions, or body parts. I want him to see women this way even if they don’t see themselves this way. For he may be a man who helps to change her vision and remember who she had always been created to be before the world's ugliness defaced her.

Women are cultivatable.

One of the definitions of cultivate is “to promote or improve the growth of (a plant, crop, etc.) by labor and attention”. A man did this for me. He helped me grow and bloom into a more beautiful version of the woman I had been, all because of his labor and attention to me. The words and actions of a man have the ability to do great damage. But they also have the ability to produce great good.

I want my son to understand that in his relationships, especially those with women, he is a farmer. That he is a seed carrier and has the ability to plant good or bad kernels into the lives of women. I want him to be a man who deposits ones of kindness, gentleness, patience, purity, and truth. I want him to help uproot and overturn her soiled places left barren and decrepit because of selfishness and sin.

God created women with a desire to be led. We can do some charging ahead (cough* Eve), but if we are allowed to trust the leading of the men in our lives, we will be more at rest, more in tune with the unique way we were crafted to function. In the garden, though Eve was the first to sin, it was Adam who was held accountable. Why? Because he is the leader. No, all men are not the leaders of all women. Yet God gave men the specific function to lead in various capacities, the home being one, and I believe in the direction of relationships with women. I want to see my son lead his relationships with women well. Being someone who protects the woman’s integrity and cultivates her in such a way a beautiful garden is revealed.