Distorted Vision

I didn’t want kids. Let me rephrase that – I never wanted a kid. One was already one too many.

If you knew me in my B.C. (before childbearing) days then this may not be a shock to you. But if you’ve taken any peek into my A.C. life, then you may be wondering how I could be the author of such words.

My disdain for parenting was groomed in my teen years. My father, the groomer. I don’t think he intended for me to nurture contempt towards children and think of them so negatively. Rather, it was his attempt as a dad of having “the talk” without confrontation, and so he went with his next best protocol – data and statistics.

He would faithfully email me each year when the new figures for the cost of raising a child until they were eighteen were released. And when I visited him, he’d have episodes of Cheaters recorded on the DVR so that I could watch them. The message I received: Children are expensive parasites not easily nor quickly rid of. And the men by which any of those children should come are lying, cheating abandoners.

I was quicker to believe the report about the children than I was about the men, but that’s a story of my overall brokenness and skewed perspective you’ll see unfold in my writing.

There were a couple of guys I dated and they were wild about kids. They were the kind who couldn’t wait to be dads. I would just kind of think happily for them, That’s great, I can’t wait until you become a dad either. Clearly, I may not be that kid’s mom though.

As I was dating my son’s father before we got married, I started warming up to this idea of becoming a mom. He was one of those who loved the kids. I inched my way to say that I was open to having one kid or less. And then I became open to the real possibility of one kid. And after some time, I said I’d be open to one or two.

That was a surrender journey in itself. Because this was me acknowledging the fact that this kid would have to be carried and then somehow make its way out of me, and I was highly concerned about both. Beyond just getting the kid into the world, I felt such a weight of responsibility for parenting that I didn’t think it possible to manage. I knew that God was going to hold me accountable for this little life and how I chose to raise him or her to know and serve Him. This terrified me.

If you’ve encountered me since I’ve had my son, then you’ll know that I believe being a parent is one of the greatest gifts we could have this side of heaven. I am filled with such thankfulness and joy when I think of him. I’m sure the Lord knew I would just be giddy about being a mom, which is why He ignored all my slanderous proclamations of never birthing offspring – I did my best to distance myself from seeing them as the beautiful and valuable lives that they are.

• I’ve since had to retool my mind about children and see them as God sees them.

• Children are a gift and reward from God (Psalm 127:3)

• Children’s children are a crown to the aged (Proverbs 16:6)

• Happy and fortunate is the man who has many children (Psalm 127:5)

• The anguish of childbirth disappears and cannot be compared with the joy of having a baby (John 16:21)

I remember going through the training to become a guardian ad litem for abused and neglected children. They shared that at one point in history, children were merely seen as property. There were no laws to protect them and no services or resources for their aid when they were in need. One person who sought to rescue a child from an abusive situation had to use a law that was put in place for animals as a defense for why the child should be protected. So before there were laws for the protection of children, there were laws for the protection of animals which ushered in an era in which we saw the care of children worthy of attention.

With Mother’s Day just around the corner, I decided to share how my mind had to be renewed about children and parenting. The environments we grew up in, the teaching and living examples we received from those around us, and the depravity that lies within each of our hearts, give us distorted caricatures of what ought to be beautiful pictures. This wasn’t the only area in my life where I had an antagonistic perspective from the one God held. And I’m certain there are plenty more waiting to be uncovered.

Can you think of any areas in your life where you aren’t seeing as God sees? The only way to correct your vision is to change what your eyes are fixed on. May they be fixed upon what He says in His Word.

Search your mind and ask if there are things you have a perspective about that is contrary to how God views them. Find some scriptures that you can begin meditating on. Write them or store them somewhere you can look back at frequently. Then pray, and ask God to help you see as He sees.  

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