A Shocking Revelation: I Am Jonah!

Have you ever prayed for something and then didn’t like how God was choosing to answer it? It’s like you got amnesia and forgot you had uttered those words to Him. All was well, as long as God was orchestrating your plan and your desires in the way you thought they should go. Too often, I have not been ready for God’s response to my questions and requests.

It’s been five years. April 30, 2018 my life changed in a monumental way, and I wasn’t even aware it had happened. Not until three weeks later, when I was sprawled out on my bedroom floor, frustrated and in anguish, and admittedly practically yelling at God, “where’s the fish,” that He was about to answer me – in more ways than one.

I did something. I spoke. April 21, 2023 I sat down with one of my pastors and recounted a part of my story for the world to see. I recorded my first podcast. One of the things I shared was where I left off in the last paragraph yelling at God about a fish. My marriage was in a tumultuous state, like an avalanche of crumbling pieces coming down by the moment. My husband at the time had just told me that he was planning to move out of our home, and when he said it this time, I knew he was really going to do it.

So here comes me running to our guest bedroom after we returned from the beach that day to ask God about all this. I had been seeing “Jonah” pop up for a while, and I just assumed the Lord was telling me that my husband was Jonah. That he was the one who had been running from His will and purpose. Well, in the story, I knew there was a fish that had swallowed Jonah and stopped him in his tracks until he reached a place of desperation and surrender. Back to my prayer (tirade – whatever you want to call it), “God, where is this fish that’s supposed to stop my husband!?!”

Oh, dear reader, I was not ready for God’s response. The very next day I go to work and discover there is a fish. And it is in my womb being knit and woven together by the Master’s design and in His perfect time. And when I finally look at a pregnancy calculator, I discover that April 30th would have been my conception date. April 30th was a date of significance because God kept showing it to me during that season. I thought it would be my date of great relief one way or the other – my husband would repent and return fully to our marriage, or he wouldn’t and the Lord would release me from fighting for him and it.

Do you know, neither of those things happened. It was evident as that day grew to a close that my husband’s heart was not returning to me, so I then thought my other option was the one I could charge ahead with. Not so. May 1, 2018 God gave me the word persevere. I was a little livid. Persevere! God, what do you think I’ve been doing all this time. And you want me to keep going? But God knew what He had been doing all along, and His purposes would stand, not mine.

If you’re still reading you may be a little confused. What’s the point of her sharing all these dates, and where are we in this story – present day or the past? I’m getting there. Over a month ago when my pastor approached me and asked if I’d be interested in doing our church’s new podcast Iron Sharpens Iron, I just stared at him for a moment. He went on to say I could pray about it, but in my mind that’s not what I was thinking. I knew this wasn’t a pray to see whether or not I would do it. But pray to determine what I would say when I did do it.

That Jonah thing has come up quite a few times over the past months, and I knew the Lord was highlighting it for me. For a while now, He has been pressing me to speak. To use the gifts He’s given me (which btw, I don't think I'm a gifted speaker - more on me being like Moses and Jeremiah later). And to be diligent in birthing two ministries He gave me during my time of bereavement and healing: Unveiled61 being one of them and JoshuaNation the other. It has been a battle with fear, laziness, and inconsistency that has held me back; me looking at what it could potentially be and not seeing how I could make it happen. At the top of this year, when the Lord gave me the words intentional and steady, I knew that was the answer to me dragging my feet like Jonah had been when the Lord told him to go to Ninevah.

When my pastor asked what day I’d like to record the podcast, I knew April 21st had to be the date. That evening I had planned to watch Secret Church and guess what the message was about – Jonah. I was preparing my heart for conviction, but I knew I could lessen it if I would just get over myself and fear and do one thing the Lord was asking me and now had given me opportunity to do – speak.

The teaching was phenomenal. I thought that I knew the story and implications behind Jonah fully, but David Platt really expounded the message. Through the unfolding of those Scriptures, he showed us the hidden selfishness of our hearts, hearts that are just like Jonah’s. And when Platt had finally reached the end, I was shocked. Because all along, five years ago, God had not been showing me Jonah to describe my husband’s condition but my own. I was Jonah! I had been so frustrated and overwhelmed with grief and a myriad of other emotions that I was just ready to be done. I wanted out of that marriage, and God would not release me. But as I sat there that Friday night on the 21st, I realized why even more.

One of the things that David stated was that though God would have His purposes accomplished, He is also after our hearts. He is concerned with the condition of them. God could have gotten another prophet to go to the Ninevites and deliver His message of mercy before their destruction. Yet, He chose to press Jonah to do it no matter how fast his feet ran in the other direction. God had been after my heart throughout my entire marriage too. Though I could have looked like the offended and innocent one, I was not. And my heart needed to be broken so that God could repair and restore it properly. And not only my heart but my will. I needed to get to a place of surrender to carry out God’s will and not my own. And to trust that His was better than mine.

One of the last things David asked us to do is to write out this prayer if we would be brave and emptied of ourselves enough:

"God, as a recipient of your grace, I will do whatever you call me to do - no matter the cost - to get the gospel to people who have never heard it."

Such a dangerous prayer. It was similar to one I prayed to God probably over a decade ago when I asked if He would make me His disciple. I didn’t just want to be a person of faith who attended church and had a nice Christian life. I wanted to be marked and used for His kingdom in a powerful way. Perhaps when I prayed that, I didn’t know what I was asking for. But God has been faithful to use my experiences and even my sin to mold me into a committed follower of His.

My marriage was a vehicle I chose, so the Lord used it. And I believe He had me stay and persevere in that marriage as long as He did because He could use it to answer my prayer – to make me a disciple. I wrestled as I looked at the words of that prayer wondering what it would mean if I said yes again. If I would be bold to ask God to do such a thing in my life. The week prior, I had recounted much of my story as I readied myself for the podcast. And the defining thought I had was that “All of it [my journey] was preparation and training to get me to pray this, submit to this, and do this.”

I wrote the prayer.

God help me to be ready for how you choose to answer again.

p.s. Guess when the podcast is supposed to be released? May 1st. This is what persevering in the will of God will do.

Here are a few of the pictures I took while in Israel at Joppa (or Jaffa) where Jonah sought to flee from the presence of the Lord and go to Tarshish instead of Ninevah. If you look at this map of how far Jonah was from Ninevah compared to how far he was from Tarshish, it’s such a picture of how we all have one time or more sought to run away from God and the purpose He has for our lives. Let’s head back to the port, this time in the right direction.