Please Choose from the Following Options

Have you ever been certain someone was your spouse? This is me – more times than I care to admit. I look back and realize my heart chose before my mind could make an intelligent decision if I even should. Several times I’ve had to make the sniffled-filled declaration, “I can’t wait to the day I wake up and don’t think about ‘him’ anymore.” And there’s been a few hims. Today, I don’t feel that way. A solemn sweetness rests within me. This isn’t a person I could ever erase; he’ll always be a part of my story – just not starring in the position I had hoped he be.

It has been a long four years to finally have this question in my heart answered. And instead of it feeling like a death sentence, it’s actually brought a lot of freedom. Joyful freedom. Because I’d been imprisoned, wondering if and when. And even when I tried to let go, my heart wouldn’t let me. I loved him. And now I realize that I don’t have to force my heart not to – I accept that it will. But shifted. Knowing that he isn’t him, and my soul finds rest in this.

But like when I came up out of my marriage, I’m making another declaration that “I’m not doing this again.” The “this” is allowing my heart to pick people who shouldn’t even be on the list to choose from. A criterion I had not considered until this relationship, that will now be going towards the top of that list, is that I’m only picking people who pick me. I didn’t understand the sense of security that would even bring me until a new him showed me that I’d never go without it again.

There are three qualities this man possessed that created this impression. And ultimately, his presentation helped set me free from the bond I wasn’t sure could be broken. He was decisive, intentional, and transparent. And it’s not that I’ve not had men approach me before directly stating their desires for me, but there was something sure, vulnerable, and longing in the way in which this man expressed his intentions. This combination was the confirmation I needed to inform me that other man wasn’t my husband. Because if he was, I wouldn’t still be asking myself that question four years later. Sigh. Why does it take us so long to accept realities laid out in fine detail before us? I guess we’re still looking for those exceptions in the footnotes. Take it from me boo, don’t do it.

And it was as if the Spirit highlighted this truth to me when the second man spoke similar words as the first, but the difference was astounding.

In a conversation early in my friendship with the first man he said the following:

“You’re a diamond in the rough. You’re a gem. But not every man wants a diamond.”

Now to be fair, he was speaking of a previous relationship I had been in and through his friendship, he had done much to let me know I was valuable and would be an asset to a different kind of man. Somewhere along the way I became hopeful he would him – that different kind of man.

But contrast his words with the second man who when he felt my break up speech and was about to relinquish the fact that maybe he could just accept me as a sister and friend said this:

“But you’re so pretty. You’re like a diamond in the rough. When you find it, you immediately want to put the diamond on. You don’t just want to walk beside it and talk to it. You recognize this diamond is mine; you have to protect it.”

Both men had the vision to know what I was, but I wasn’t necessarily what one of them wanted. And it showed. The rest of my interactions with these men went on just like these conversations. One admiring me but never confirming if he was in the market for a diamond and if I was it. Because if he had found his costly pearl in me like my Savior did, he would have left it all (Matthew 13:44-45). On the other hand, the second with certainty stated I was the jewel he was ready to purchase but first he needed to prepare his heart and home for my display. Now the veracity of his words is still left to be determined. Yet, his resoluteness gave me the clarity that I wanted to be chosen.

Criterion one, check.

But it’s not just enough to be chosen; we have to make an informed decision if we should choose them back. After going through a painful marriage and divorce, I’m certain I want a different story if I ever leap off the side of that pool again. There was a season in my journey where I was so desperate to be covered by a husband. I don’t ever recommend making a long-term decision when you’re in a temporary wilderness. Heal girl, heal. So that’s what I did. I needed counsel and fences to help me stay put when my feet wanted to run to what would have been fleeting comforts and fast collisions. Today, I’m so thankful that I’ve finally grown to the decision that I’m not running back to the safe insecurity of him – whoever him is. And by safe, I mean because it’s what I know. And by insecurity, because it’s what he produces in me every day he refuses to only choose me.

One of the commitments I made to the Lord is that I would never put myself under the leadership of someone who wasn’t being led by Him. The Lord truly is my life. Literally, there were days I had to ask Him for breath to breathe because I couldn’t. Since then, my desire has been to never leave the security of Him being my first love again.

Yet, not only do I want to please my Lord in this way, I desire my husband’s pleasure too. I want him to succeed in his role with me as his best supporting actor. I don’t want to set any man up for failure – when I know he doesn’t have the right suit in his wardrobe and no desire to work for it that would make him suitable to lead me. I would like to have the posture of a trusting and submissive wife. I want to be able to follow my husband to the ends of the earth. But I can’t follow him if he’s not following Him. I want peace in my home. I want peace for my husband. And we can have peace through storms. But I don’t want to be in storms because my husband is fishing to be a Jonah.

God says He will turn the hearts of kings (Proverbs 21:1). I need to know that when I pray to the Lord, He can turn my king’s heart with ease. There were lots of kings in the Bible, but they weren’t all set up the same. I need to know if he’s stubborn or teachable? Prideful or humble? Disobedient or reverent? Faithless or faithful? A fan of Yahweh or a follower of Him?

And then I need to know if I can get up under his mission. What has the Lord purposed him for? What work has he given him to do? Am I equipped to help support him in it? Will I add and multiply or will I distract and subtract from his goal? Understand that there are arrows aimed at Kingdom kids and covenants. We weren’t sent here to do our own pleasure and will, but His. I want to shoot missiles back at the enemy’s camp every time I work, play, and pray with my husband.

So, here’s a few things I’m doing to stay still until go time:

• Being intentional about my presence with the Lord and with other believers

• Guarding my and my brothers’ hearts from moving too fast when there isn’t enough alignment to move forward yet

• Bringing my desires and temptations into the light with other sisters so they can keep me accountable and cover me in prayer

• Pushing myself to share details that would be easy to leave out about men, their standing, and our interactions

• Understanding my proclivities and weaknesses and not lying to myself that “I’ll just go this far”

• Reviewing and rehearsing the list of what would make a man my suitable sojourner

• And leaving the pen in Yahweh’s hand to finish writing my story

This is certainly one of the things I have struggled with and have to safeguard myself from – finishing the Lord’s sentences and defining definitions. What I mean is how we hear and pick up things in the spirit and then assume we know what it means. Maybe I’m drawn to this man because the Lord just wants the fruit of friendship to bloom between us, not lifelong fidelity in marriage. Lysa TerKeurst states in so many ways, we must be committed to the truth at all costs. This means we can’t only agree with what our hearts want to hear and see, yet act like we’re blind and deaf to everything we don’t. We shouldn’t lie to ourselves about what we truly need to live the lives God has called us to – sacrificially and faithfully. We shouldn’t lie to ourselves about beliefs, practices, and character traits within a person we can’t live with or without. We shouldn’t deceive ourselves into thinking that man’s presence means he’s really present and wants to be ours solely. We must at all points seek truth and holiness, for these are what our God are. And if He has marriage for us, then He will give us ones founded upon His truth and ones that will be holy and acceptable in His sight.

So, I solicit your prayers. I don’t ever want to live in the bondage of “if” and “when” again. I want to always keep my hands open to receive and release. I want to be patient in my estimations and confirm this is him in the company of my Lord, my brethren, and the deliberateness of husband’s words and actions that align – that is, if he exists.

Here are a few things to chew on as you’re navigating your journey of choosing and being chosen:

Types of Kings

§  1 Samuel 25

§  1 Kings 11:1-13

§  2 Kings 18-19

§  Daniel 4

§  Proverbs 31:1-9

How to Know If You Should Marry Him/Her

I was convicted by this woman’s declaration that we only want to pray for a husband when we have our heart set on a certain one. And though it’s like walking on water that may never catch me, if I have a husband out there somewhere, then I want to pray for him now… before I even know who he is. So, I’ve purchased this book: Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe by Sharon Jaynes. May the Lord grant my heart and life to grow in the path He has for me – singleness or earthly covenant.