Big Girl Decisions

I can’t remember exactly what I asked my four-year-old to do for me, but do you know what he said? Now mind you, I do stuff for this small person ALL THE TIME. But he had the nerve to look at me and say, “No mommy, you can do it; you’re a big girl.” I guess he’s getting back at me for how frequently I tell him he can do it because he’s a big boy. And you know what, we’re both right.

People say that the enemy often attacks us when we’re in infant stage. Why? He’s hoping that he can thwart the identity and purpose God placed in us since the womb. If he can delay us, scare us, wound us, even kill us, he fully intends to. When I look back at my younger self, I see a girl who was so much more fearless than I’ve been in so long. If there was a challenge to do this or do that among my brothers and cousins, I’d go first. If there was an injustice (at least in our young eyes, it was grievous), I would be the one to speak up for those who were too timid.

I remember one such time we were on a collegiate service trip, and no one was having a great time. We were displeased with our chaperones and sulking with complaint. Finally, I said let’s bring these things to the table to see if anything can change. Everyone was on board. As we sat around in a circle, despondency settled in the air. We were getting ready to wrap up the group time and retreat to our pouting again, but then I spoke up. I shared the group's consensus about what we thought and wanted. One of the leaders, notably irritated with my comments, then asked, “Does anyone else feel this way?” Crickets. A smug smile came across her face as she made some remarks about my attitude and that no one agreed with what I had said.

The posse that was all aboard in the back room had left me hanging. But you know what, I was proud that at least I had spoken what was true. Even if no one rallied behind or with me. Over time through spiritual attacks, relational rejection, and group ostracism and otherness, I began to lose that fearlessness to speak and do. I became daunted and questioned my ability and value continuously.

One of the hazards of relational brokenness is that you can start to doubt your judgment about everything. If I walked into this, and chose this, and made that decision, and it’s landed me in this landmine with my life blown up, how can I really trust other decisions I make? Or if I have been belittled and rarely encouraged in who I am and what I do, then what good or purpose is there in me showing up and doing anything at all? These are the questions that become the broken soundtracks in our minds.

So how do you get back to or maybe for the first time start to make the big girl (or boy) decisions you need to without waiting for someone to cheer you on or stand beside you as you do it? Well, I don’t think you can. Not until you’ve at least had someone cheering you on and standing beside you as you take small steps, until you’re finally emboldened enough to take the next step without them. Now I will say, there are some people who come out the womb with tenacity, fearlessness, and grit tattooed on their chest. Their DNA was coded to operate like that. But even for the people who it seems these qualities come naturally, I believe many developed in environments that nurtured their ability to fly without considering heights.

For those of us who are checking the wind pressure, our parachutes a thousand times, and peeping over the edge they want us to take off from, flying will not come without much coaxing, if not being forcibly pushed to get going. When the Word says that the “Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love” (Psalm 145:8), that’s in there for people like me. Because I know the Lord has been trying to move my feet for so long, but just like a stubborn horse, I wasn’t budging. And though God is the leader, my decisions didn’t’ look like He was.

I’m incredibly grateful that those words describe the character of God. Because I needed Him to be gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love towards me. I could see where God wanted to lead me, but I was too afraid to go. I was too critical and untrusting of my ability to do the things He was prompting me to do. God, you’ve got the wrong girl. Ask someone else. I just don’t want to do that right now. There are so many other people who are more gifted. God, you know this is struggle for me, right? I just want to stay in the confines of my bubble and be left alone. Ain’t nobody got time for the attacks. I don’t know what to do. I wish this person was here to help me. The litany of backtalk to the Lord just continued.

It’s interesting that while I was complaining to the Lord, there were several people in my life who sounded just like I did to God. I walked with them for a while. I encouraged them and assisted them as they had need. But then I came to the point where I realized I was overextending myself, and they weren’t getting any better. They were nothing but balls of complaint and resistance as I had been. I realized that I had taken them as far as I could. And it didn’t mean I wouldn’t be available to them at all for the rest of our lives. But for this season, I knew they had to take the next step without me. They had to do the next thing on their own. And do you know what, we all started to put on our big girl and big boy undies as the people and things that were our crutches pulled away.

One of the things my son’s father and I are always saying to our son is to use his words. He’ll whine, mumble, and complain, rather than just speak. I realize I’ve been my four-year-old in this manner with the Lord. He’s been calling me to use my voice – not just my writing one (the one I’m comfortable using), but my audible voice (the one I don’t like, compare, and criticize). The Lord was longsuffering and patient with my timidity, as He intentionally brought people into my life to build up what had been torn down. So many voices combatting the voice of the enemy who whispered lies that I wasn’t useful or good. I was finally starting to believe the new voices. I was finally starting to trust what God had said to me and about me.

Last Saturday as my sister and I were bumping past each other in the house in preparation for our outing, she said the words I only needed to hear one more time. She had been coaxing me to speak for some time, telling me my voice sounded like a podcast (to which I’d cringe every time), and belaboring the point that she’d hadn’t read my latest blog yet because she hates reading. That was the last time I needed to hear her say that. I made up my mind that I would start using my voice. I removed all of my excuses and comparisons and said that I would use the gifts God gave me in the way He’s given them.

I kept rejecting this idea of a podcast because I’m not a talker. Not even a good orator. But I can write. And I can read what I wrote. That would help a few people who only get part of the context of what I share because they hate to read too. And I could be obedient and finally use my words. So that evening after we returned, no matter what, I decided that my very next blog would be audible too. I don’t have time to recount the opposition I walked into that night when we got home, and despite it, I stayed up until almost 5 AM until all the pieces had been completed. I thought it was fitting that we had gone to see The Little Mermaid, and just like Ariel I had gotten my voice back.

That’s not the only big girl decision I’ve been making as of late. I recounted in another blog how I’m seeking to build wealth for my son from the ground up, right where I am, with what I have. I finally reached out to a few people to do interviews for a book I’m still in the process of writing. One more interview to go! And I need to set some time aside to get back to editing the transcriptions and finishing the book draft so I can move on to the next thing. Another decision I need to make right now is buying another laptop. I have been pouring over information online, talking to the techs at Best Buy, and reviewing posts online. This is a time I really wish I had a friend to help me make the decision. But I know I have to make it without them… so I will. I need this tool to keep going. I need to keep going. I’m a big girl now.

What big girl or big boy decision do you need to make you've been dragging your feet about? What's holding you back? Don't look at the big picture. Just take the next step, even if it's a small one. Because one day you're gonna make it to that ledge and leap.