Gifts and Thorns

I learned a new word recently. Farrago. It means a confused mixture. A similar word that comes to mind when I think about what this newfound word is exposing in my life is dichotomy – two things that are completely opposed. Like oil and water that shouldn’t and don’t mix; and yet for us to enjoy the deliciousness of a multitude of vinaigrettes, we force them together in violent shaking. That’s what it seems like the Lord is allowing and doing in my life again. Giving me something that is a confused mixture. Giving me something that is and is producing opposing effects. Giving me both a gift and a thorn in one.

Ever since I came across the television series Law & Order SVU, you couldn’t tell me that I wasn’t going to be Benson. I’ve always had a bent to rescue the wounded and exploited. And in my mind, I was going to train to become an undercover detective so that I could free those who had found themselves captive in sex trafficking. I replayed it in my mind like a James Bond movie; I would get them out and then set the buildings on the fire. A girl can still wish.

During this time when I was particularly interested in this injustice that was happening all over the world, I had come across two organizations that were helping to do just that – Shared Hope International and A21 Campaign. I kept looking at their job and volunteer descriptions thinking if I’d qualify and if I could do anything to help support their missions. I prayed and asked God years ago for the opportunity. And today on my birthday, He’s giving me the gift and thorn of my answered prayer.

Right here in my backyard is an organization, Lighthouse for Life, that was birthed with the vision of fighting and ending sex trafficking. This isn’t an issue that’s happening over there somewhere in a third-world country, but it’s right down the street from me. It’s right around the corner from you. Perhaps you’re wondering how is my answered prayer both a gift and a thorn. It is a gift to be able to serve women who are healing from the trauma and pain of the bondage and torture they experienced. And it is a thorn because it’s exposing the farrago of my heart.

Recently as I’ve been in a new friendship and have been retooling myself in preparation for this role, I realized something I thought was healed wasn’t. A deep judgment boils within me – I don’t like men and I don’t trust them either. From the self-inflicted injuries I’ve brought upon myself being in relationships with men to now actively working with women who have suffered some of the vilest of evils at the hands of men, I’m struggling with a heart filled with both compassion and contempt.

Compassion because I know little boys (and girls) don’t just grow up with the dream of treating people like property for pleasure and profit. They were groomed. They were predisposed due to something in their environment. They were probably victims of someone’s pursuit for pleasure and profit too. And contempt because at the end of the day they chose it. They followed through and inflicted the same brokenness on another that had been inflicted upon them.

It seems God saw fit to bring me into a relationship and work context in which I’d be challenged with such a confused mixture. Of wanting to embrace it and wanting to run at the same time. Knowing that it’d produce good fruit while at the same time overturn the decayed roots that had been planted and grown bitter within me. He knew and now I embrace that I need them to be both my gift and thorn.

Can you identify something that is both a gift and thorn in your life? Where are you challenged in walking towards or through it? Where are you encouraged by what it will produce?