Gratitude

Several years ago this day, I sat in my car as tears streamed down my face. Intentional by Travis Greene was on replay as I tried to replay how I had ended up here. Pondering the lyrics, I wondered this too God.

“All things are working for my good. He’s intentional. Never failing.”

The moment I was sitting in felt like failure. But God wasn’t. And though all I could see was a mess of a situation, I was reminded that God could use all of it for my good. Fast forward to today, and I have a clearer image of the God I had known then who’s still working it all out now.

If I look at just the past several months, I can see another ripple of things that looked like missteps, difficulties, and failures. I was challenged in mothering. Challenged in dreams deferred. Challenged in means to move. Challenged in purity. Challenged in the art of patience. All these things. And yet I could see a good God still directing, still being present, still providing, still covering, still making ways of escape, and still being God on His throne.

I promised to tell you about circles in a previous blog, and though I won't give you the full story just yet (it isn't finished), I'll share about the circles I can now. In June, I was full of hope and expectation. I wasn't sure how God would work out all the fine details, I simply trusted Him to, and I had a chance to share what some of those were (God Cares About the Details). June was also a month of toiling and unrest, and it seemed unending. Doesn't life seem to constantly be in these states of dichotomies at the same time?

But even with all the unrest, I was still looking forward with anticipation to this thing I thought God was promising now - a home for Josh and me. It was surprising that I was conditionally approved for a home loan pending just one month of proof of income. The backdrop of that is another part of the full circle story and for another day, but just know it was an offer that came with favor.

That favor was soon removed when the conditions changed, which would delay me in my pursuit to purchase a home. But then again, the whole situation, the offer, and the delay were all a part of God's favor and plan. I just couldn't fully see what He was doing. God and I both knew that if I hadn't received the loan offer, I would have just gone into another rental agreement explicitly against His desire for me at the time. I would have also been reluctant to find lodging with another family again. But because I thought it would only be a short stay, I jumped at the open door I saw that it was.

My two to three-month layover became six. Then six became another big question mark when I was informed the job I had recently begun would be ending. My hopes of securing a new home were now dashed. And once again, I discovered my God just had a different plan or better yet, a different timeline than the one I had decided. However, there was no fretting at one thing’s ending because I knew it was simply the start of another’s beginning. And perhaps the end wasn’t the end, just delayed for another day.

Before my job had concluded, another opportunity was in sight. The way and timing in which the notice came to me could have only been Godsent, and so I went for it. I knew it wasn’t my forever placement, just the next step on the journey. For me to learn and practice a great spiritual discipline – to serve. And for the past couple of months, that's what I've done - found great joy in serving seniors. I've witnessed the light and excitement in their eyes because their lives still have a purpose, connectivity, and people like me who find their well-being valuable.

During this transition, I made another to secure a new vehicle, and what a mess that became. I purchased a Rogue, and it went rogue on me. I should have known when Louie (that’s what I named him) and my first song we listened to together was Kiss Me More. We went fast, and inevitably, we crashed just like many of my previous relationships. It was a painful, frustrating, and financial headache that I just wanted to end. After over a month of toil, I finally cut my losses and made a just-in-time transition to Sam, my latest vehicle purchase.

I think about Romans 8:28 a good bit and find delight when I see how God truly does use all things for our good. I’m not sure if I hadn’t made the misstep in purchasing Louie if I would have made a circle back to an old acquaintance who in more ways than one, helped to carry me through the deep waters I had gotten myself into. I’m not sure if I hadn’t trusted God to serve without worrying about my image or finances, that I would have been ready when a former opportunity came knocking again. The job I told you I loss has of today been recovered. I’m not working in the same place or exact position, but I’ll be serving in a very similar capacity within the same organization. In fact, my new location fits so much better with where God had moved me when I trusted his plan for my shelter again.

There were many more details that I won’t have time to share here, but the highlights are this: In a matter of three months, I lost my home. I lost my opportunity to retrieve another one. I lost my job. I lost my car. Correction: cars. And I almost lost my mind.

But also in a matter of three months, I gained a family. Gained a new friend. Gained a drivable vehicle. Gained an opportunity to serve and two jobs at which to do it. Gained perspective. And most of all, I gained gratitude.

And I am grateful. I’m grateful that all things do work for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I’m proof.

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