I'll Wait.

This past week my little sister sent me a post I had written over two years ago on April 8th. Here’s what I said:

“Sometimes out of impatience, loneliness, or desperation, we make ourselves content with that which is merely adequate. ‘This will do’ because it’s what presented itself to us. So out of fear of another boat never coming, we jump aboard only to find this one has leaky pockets and is sinking fast.

Learn to be uncomfortable. Learn the agony of the wait. Because even if that other boat never arrives, you would have learned contentment and joy for right where you are.

My girlfriend shared these words with me on April 16, 2020. I can attest that I did not want to wait, but almost a year later, I’m glad I did. And if you wait, you will be too.”

Three years later and I can confidently say I’m still glad I waited. In some respects, I have come to a place where I am no longer waiting. At least not on the thing I was hoping for then. I mentioned in my last blog that I’ve sworn off marriage. I’m still pretty serious about it. I mean, there are some beautiful love stories out there and marriages on mission for the Kingdom. I love that. And if I wanted marriage, I’d want that. But chile, le struggle of relationships. I just watched a podcast the other day and heard the account of a beautiful start, rough middle, and restored present. That rough middle gets me every time.

I think I gave my one good stand to my first marriage. I don’t have the capacity in my soul to want to fight and wrestle through the painful and trying parts of a union. Sometimes conviction grips me because I know God did it (and still does it) for me. And I know I still cause Him tremendous grief with this wayward heart of mine. So I should… I should be willing to sacrifice and invest. But right now, my heart is simply not willing. For a couple of reasons.

Let me tell you one of the worst times to contemplate your new relationship – when you’re still in one. I may not physically be in a relationship, but my heart and mind still are. And how I think about me looking for the prospect of new love is how the Huxtables felt when Vanessa brought some man home talking about they’re together after she was fresh out of another relationship. Cliff compared her decision to having your most desirous and delicious meal prepared, only to have it presented on a trashcan lid (watch it here because he tells it better than I do). A person is hard to receive like that no matter their character and suitability.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of people do that. They don’t finish, end, and close doors on past relationships and take time (my 2021 curse words) before they seek another unsuitable god to replace their last one. Let God be God. Rest and be still in Him, while you allow Him to perform surgery on your messy pieces before you go make another mess. I have lived the painful reality of being committed to a person with a divided heart, and that unequally, and I certainly didn’t have the bigger portion. I’d never want to do that someone – be divided. Be in two places. Have my body in one place and my heart and mind in another. And I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me… again. Reason number one I’ll wait.

Another thing that happened about a week ago was a call. From my momma. She had received a call about something I had written – this not wanting to get married situation. Well, that set some hen chat in motion, and now she was ringing to persuade me otherwise. I love you mommy, but no. I’m good. She alluded to this person and wondered what had happened. The obvious answer is nothing. Nothing happened. So here we are. There are three things that could have happened that would have made a difference though.

She asked, “What was it?” And I shared two of my absolute non-negotiables with her if I should ever get the nerve and courage to say I do again. And this is what must be true about the man I say I do to. He must love Jesus. And he must have a desire to be pleasing to Him, evidenced not by a perfect relationship with Him but a growing one. She went on to say that no one is perfect. I agree. I’m not looking for perfection but something like a perfect heart like David’s. The Lord knows that man made some messes! And yet the Lord called him a man after His own heart. Why? Because David knew who His God was. And in light of how he saw God, he constantly fell on his face in surrender and repentance. If I follow a man, I want to know he's following the one I want to follow. I want him to love Jesus so much that in his fumbling steps, he’ll choose to intentionally get low before his King and find cleansing and direction again.

What I didn’t share with my mom – because we didn’t get that far, and I didn’t feel like talking about the details of the reasons why not – was that there must be an intentional pursuit of me. I think too many people have said something to the effect that if you have to question how a person sees and feels about you, they’ve already answered. The answer is there is no clarity. And we can’t make moves in the dark lest we tumble to our deaths. Okay, a bit much. But I know a thing or two about death – inwardly and relationally. And often in wishful and imaginative thinking we overlook the obvious and eventually head us and that relationship right to their graves.

One of the things I’m grateful for God for is cocooning me. In that season post-separation He cared for, provided for, and loved me in such a way I finally understood what it was supposed to feel like to be cherished. What it was supposed to sound like for a man to speak to me. And what I noted is that in all of my journey, God was intentional about me. Pursuing my heart not only to heal it but to confront and cleanse it too. I don’t expect He’d send anything less than an intentional man for His daughter.

While I was on the phone chatting with my mom, I was perusing my email and came across this heading: “well-maintained brick ranch.” In intrigue, I clicked on the link to see the details. And I was not impressed and even more, aghast when I saw the price. I told my mother, “That house does not cost that much!” I was annoyed by the housing market and the audacity of the owners to try to sell it for that amount. After a second of contemplation, I said to my mom, “You know what ma, that home does cost that much… but it isn’t worth that much.” My own statement hit me. How many of us are paying for stuff that isn’t worth that much. I’ll never say people don’t have worth, but some relationships we willingly choose to engage in are not worth the things we will lose and damage in the process – our relationship with God, the work and impact our hands and mouths are supposed to create, even ourselves.

I’ve lost a lot. And in my Trauma Reboot class (plug, check it out) this past week, I shared at the end of my brief recount with trauma that I was recovering the woman I had lost, and I like who she’s becoming. I don’t want to risk losing her again. And I know an ill-contrived or sometimes just ill-timed relationship has the capacity to do that. After I thought about that brick home conversation with my mom, these words came to me: “Impatience will have you paying for something you wouldn’t have had to pay for had you waited.” My little sister not long after sent me my words from three years ago. Issa sign – I’ll wait.

P.S. Within the same week, I came across a podcast from Chrystal Evans Hurst called Knowing When to Let Go and How to Find Freedom. It definitely contains some wisdom for application about relationships we want to hold onto and will not let go of to our detriment. It’s not easy waiting – not just for a suitable mate (for those waiting on that), but also waiting on our own healing and transformation that’s often needed for any relationship to thrive. It does take two. No… three – you, them, and God.