I Want to Be Unafraid

“Summer never offered much to the kids dangling their feet on the side of the pool afraid to jump in.”

The unease of the unknown. The timidity of failure. The demand to be practical instead of dauntless. And the angst of letting go of something that would eventually let me go. Do you see a common theme here?

Fear.

I’ve lived most of my adult life like this. There was once an audacious little girl in me who would take on any dare and travel unknown paths in the woods with her most faithful comrade she called brother. And somehow I allowed voices, namely my own, and what I saw, and what I could imagine, and what I thought probable to make me hang back and never take that leap into the pool.

My other nemesis is inconsistency. It’s funny how I don’t give up easily on other people but I do myself. I believe the root of it is a combination of distracted laziness and fear that what I produce won’t measure up to the expectations of others and more, the expectations I’m afraid to set for myself.

There was a time in my life I wanted to join the Peace Corps. I had a great desire to travel and to pour out my life to those in need. I remember skimming the website and application process. I remember reading about others’ stories of abandoned risk and adventure. It’s what I wanted. But I didn’t jump.

I back-pedaled and began to give in to the worries that paraded my mind. The boyfriend I would be leaving behind (here’s not here BTW). The waters I would have to travel over. The alien territory and people I would encounter. The fact that I would be alone – at least not with anyone who I now knew willing to go with me.

Another opportunity to spread my wings came in grad school. There was a course that involved travel to the Dominican Republic. Finally, a navigated journey with people I knew. I made the mistake of sharing this desire with someone and they told me I could find better things to do with the money and questioned my choice to spend it. I received that money I would have spent on the trip anyhow – I have the student loans to prove it. But I’m void of any memory of what happened to it. Had I gone, I would have at least had that.

As I look back at other choices I’ve made to choose going versus falsely preserving or saving up, I have the taste of both regret for when I have failed to go and joyous fun for when I have gone. Through these and other pruning opportunities with God, I’ve learned that I’d much rather experience things than have things. And I’d much rather have very little in possessions if I could possess a cache of rich memories in authentic relationships and experiences with others.

The challenges and pains I encountered in my marriage made this even more evident to me. The journey of the entire relationship was one in which I exercised in fear. Fear of losing him and it. Fear of not being chosen. Fear of being left alone and abandoned. Fear of being shamed and disgraced. They all became my realities. I suppose self-fulfilling prophecy is true – my thoughts and behaviors navigating me to the destiny I dreaded.

I’ve decided that I’ve had enough. I’ve decided that I want to be unafraid. That I want to push myself beyond self-limiting beliefs. And I suppose the only way to start is to jump. So today I am. I’m getting on a plane and I’m traveling to Puerto Rico on a mission trip with my church family. Two things I’ve wanted to do in combination – go on mission and outside my country lines (well I know we claim them but it's not the fifty).

As you can imagine, I’ve decided to tell very few about my plans. Just me mentioning I wanted to take a hike was met with the caution of getting kidnapped or encountering a snake. Likewise, I knew that this trip in the middle of COVID season would invite a litany of concerning questioning. I’ve decided that these are all risks I’m just going to have to face and take. Because I’m going. I'm going to where I can dare to dream and believe again.

Hola, Puerto Rico!

Is fear something you battle in different areas of your life? How might you start to dip your toe in the water so you can overcome it?

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