Ladies, It's Time to Get Out the Gray

Stressed and triggered. Those were the two words not just nicely tucked away in my dictionary, but the active plagues upon my heart and mind. I sat there and watched my second most traumatizing video of the Dear Future Wifey Podcast, So Sorry Mrs. Jackson (the first was Miracle of Honesty). I remembered all the ways I was she and in some ways still am. Ladies, it’s time to get out the gray.

I think as women (and men), it’s important that we replay the tapes of our past, study them, and execute a plan not to ever let some of that stuff happen again. As Mrs. Jackson poured out her story, my heart raced, and my mind gasped in unbelief. The sad part is that I could believe it; I had witnessed it in my own life and others. And I knew it would be something I couldn’t let go without written expression.

I’ve watched and experienced what relational brokenness will do to a person. It totally undoes some of us. So much so that we can’t even recognize the reflections staring back at us. Who is she? So fragmented and shattered that we no longer see anything of worth, if we even did to begin with – from the early days of our lives where affirmation of our identities and value were never articulated from those who were supposed to be our mirrors and teachers. Maybe their reflections were broke too.

If I may, can I challenge you to watch this two-part episode. It’s about three hours. But it’s not just a story. It’s a well. A deep one. And it will surface things you’ve tried to keep hidden. From yourself and others. It is an opportunity for self-examination and reeducation. I want you to watch it and find you in the story. Maybe you are the wounded girl or boy looking for invisible bandages for your scars. Maybe you’re the naïve and broken person trying to find validation of your worth in someone or something less than God. Maybe you are the deceiver and perpetrator of sin and trauma because you’ve never dealt with your own. Maybe you’re a partaker of evil for your own pleasure no matter who and what your actions hurt. Maybe you’re the redeemed investigator seeking to unveil a new story of ashes to beauty. Or maybe you’re the person looking in at the mess of it all shaking your head and just grateful it’s not you.

Just find you in this story. Examine the impact of relational choices on you and the impact of your choices on others. What do you want to be different? What do you not want to live through or experience again? Do you like the reflection in the mirror? Who is that person? If you’re not sure, are you ready to recover and get her or him back?

When the dust had settled from my broken marriage, I knew I needed to sweep away those particles and build on a better foundation. I realized a lot of that had to do with me knowing what a strong and healthy one looked like and then for me to purposely choose to stand on the One upon whom only lasting houses could endure. That looked like me investing in relationship with Jesus and His people. I was nestled in my church community and took every opportunity to be discipled in truth and encouraged in love through Bible teaching and fellowship. I sought out and asked for mentorship and women to spend time with me to teach me the Word. And I spent personal time with the Lord – asking Him to join me as I walked about in nature; as I cried rivers on my pillow, other times upon my Word; and as I marched around my room in worship and prayer. I had to implant new truth with old lies by intentionally writing then speaking what God had said about me and what I desired to be evident in how I lived and experienced life.

One of the things I believed I did not have enough wisdom in was relationships – how to do them, how to boundary them, how to pick them, how to navigate them…. the list goes on. I spent time listening to various podcasts from men, women, and couples about relationships. I watched what pure and biblical pursuit of a woman’s heart was for a man. I studied what characteristics made for a trustworthy partner. I trusted that men were better teachers of how men think and when multiple men said it didn’t take long for men to know how he would categorize you or if he thought you could be his wife, I believed them. I thrived hearing the stories of couples who were intentional about dating and married couples who had gotten aligned to operate in purpose and on mission together. I needed to believe that still existed, so I set myself before real examples to prove to myself it did.

I took the notes. Wrote the reflections. And did the homework…sometimes. But it helped. I grew. I got stronger. And I became more hopeful there is an after this. We may not be responsible for the trauma we experienced, but we are responsible for doing the work to heal from it. Sometimes we are culpable in our affliction and pain – at least in part. Like Mrs. Jackson, we have to acknowledge being participants in our own heartbreak and ruin. We have to grieve it and grow from it. One of things I would often say as I fought through the messy work of healing well was that my son deserved a healed and whole momma. No, I won’t ever fully heal this side of heaven, but I will always be healing and moving towards more wholeness. How about you? Are you ready to start healing? Are you ready to get out of this gray area – of not knowing your identity, of not knowing your worth, of not being clear about your role and significance in a desired lover’s life?

I’m grateful to God for so many reasons. One is that He showed me how I was to be treated and loved. By taking care of me, providing for me, protecting me, and loving me, I was now able to recognize when relationships didn’t look or feel like that more readily than I had in the past. And I was stronger in saying no, even if that sometimes looked like God hemming me in until I could come to my senses. One of the things I would often do during these times of weakness when I was tempted to settle for something less that what God had revealed was tangible with Him and by His hand is remind myself what it felt like. By it, I mean the trauma. The pain. The heartache. The devastation. The betrayal. The abandonment. The disregard and disrespect. I sat and allowed myself to vicariously live through my rolodex again. And I decided I’m not doing that again. God help me in my weakness not to do that again. Help me trust you’re better and so are your ways. I’ll wait this time.

Here are a few of the resources that have helped to reframe my beliefs and practices about relationships. Just remember these are not all prescriptive examples of how to do life and relationships. Sometimes they are lessons to be learned from so you don’t have to experience another trial. Other times you’re given a barometer of where people are and how they think, not how you should be and think. Weigh everything against the Word of God and depend on the Holy Spirit and trusted and sound counsel by including them in your relational journey early and often.

Ashley Empowers (series on Single, Saved, and Secure and Dating with Purpose)

Redefined TV (teaching series, Wife Academy, Return of Kings)

Dear Future Wifey Podcast (lots of gems and wisdom shared, also many “not to dos”)

Tony Gaskins (I appreciated some of his insights into how men think)

RC Blakes, Jr (I appreciated his insights and encouragements for women to value themselves)

Lysa Terkeurst (her books, podcasts, teachings, blogs – all things Lysa!)

Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall & Debby Jones

Jackie Brewton (resources geared towards teens but very applicable for women and men too)

Psalm 119 (great Psalm to meditate on, pray through, and practice; verse 71 is one of my lived favorites)