Recovery Season

I cried a lot last week. There weren’t always tears because I didn’t feel I had the liberty to let them fall. So my heart cried for me. Recovering. It’s been this beautiful, messy trail on which I’ve lost and gained, been broken and restored. I guess that’s what I like about the word recover. Its multifaceted definition describes the very thing God is doing in my life again in this season – giving me back the things that were taken and repairing the heart and identity that were marred.

I remember when my hopes for something anticipated were dashed. At first, it had been perfect. An added gift to working every Friday at a safe home for girls who had been sexually trafficked was that I was getting back an experience for which I had longed – to be with horses. My first two encounters with horses were not particularly pleasant. Instead of delight, I was filled with much trepidation and uneasiness. But my third experience was different. And this is when I first gained a love for these fascinating creatures.

When I thought I had more days and time to explore and enjoy their beauty, after just one interaction that door was closed. When a new opportunity arose for the girls we served to receive equine therapy every week, my heart simply jumped for joy. But it wasn’t long for that rug to be ripped from under my feet. Our safe home program was temporarily suspended before we ever had the chance to experience this gift.

Three quarters of a year passed before I was finally able to bask in the presence of horses again. This came at a time I was particularly distraught over a poor life decision. And going to horses was the only thing I thought could put a rainbow back in my sky after the storm I had created. Until recently, I was unaware of the deep history of horses and healing. But now it simply made sense why when I was with them I felt comforted and at peace.

If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m trending in loss and gain. Once again after a short stint of time, I was removed from the thing I wanted to keep holding. It was challenging because it was a lot of loss at once though I didn’t release it from my heart at the same pace. It’s been a slow unraveling, that I’m still undoing until I can let every thread finally fall to the ground. Yet once again God is bringing recovery.

You know that opportunity for equine therapy I mentioned earlier. Well, it’s back, just like the position I had lost. Instead of working with girls, I’m now serving adult survivors of sex trafficking at the same organization (that I happened to join for the first time last April, in fact). My weekly joy is accompanying one of our ladies to therapy now. As I watch her interact with the horses and see her accomplish things that hardly any of us could imagine were possible, my heart fills with gratitude and hope. And the bonus of it all is that I’m learning as she is.

I had no idea the wide range of ways in which horses bring rescue and restoration to our broken souls and bodies. As prey animals, they are hypervigilant, expressive, interpretive, and communicable. They read us and reflect what they perceive. They hold up mirrors and let us know where we need inner work on ourselves and outer work with other people. They help us learn self-awareness, self-confidence, responsibility, leadership, communication, emotional regulation, and problem-solving. Horses help us recover from trauma and assist in addressing motor, cognitive, and speech impairments. And they challenge, test, and teach us sometimes far more than any classroom ever will.

Being with horses has become a haven for me. I simply can’t get enough, which is why I’m especially excited about starting horsemanship training with our equine lady and now one of my very prized horses. The day I met him, he reminded me of two I had already come to love. He seemed to be a mixture of them – looking like my favorite to ride and having a comforting effect like just my favorite who let me hug him all the time. I named him “Philippe” and realized his temperament was much like mine – don’t’ touch me, I’ll touch you. I love him already.

Why Philippe you may ask? Well for starters, the owner doesn’t like to share the names of her horses (although I received this inside information), as she prefers clients to decide if and what they want to name any horse. She doesn’t want their names to be triggering as she works with a spectrum of clients on recovery journeys. As I looked at pictures of him later, Phillipe came to mind. My favorite childhood Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast. My brother and I would rewind (yes, VHS days) and watch that movie at least three times in a row (thank God for brothers who like the same things as you). I was simply in love with Belle and wanted a large library with floor-to-ceiling built-in shelves (I still do). Like her, I always had my head stuck in a book. Little did I know that I would also come to love horses like her too. Philippe was her horse’s name. And guess what it means? Lover of horses. It’s perfect.

In all this, God has recovered so many opportunities for me to be with horses, and He’s using these beautiful creatures to help recover my heart and soul too. I made a post weeks ago that if I ever got married again my husband would have to agree to three things – 1) that he will go outside with me, 2) that he will allow me to bring stray people home, and 3) that he will allow me to have a baby goat. I’m pretty sure I’ve changed my mind about that last one now – I desperately want a horse instead.